Feeling Happy

I feel good today. I do not feel sad or anxious. I am not worried or lonely. I just feel good. When I reflect on the events of the past week, the stress that I have been under from work and home, it surprises me that I feel so well. A few days ago, I was very unhappy and I didn't care about anything. But, today . . . I feel serene, tranquil, and . . . I feel happy.

Yesterday, we joined thousands of people in trying out for a popular game show. I made Jerome do the audition. He is more charismatic than I am, so I figured he would have a better chance of making it on the show than I would. We waited in line for 7 hours. Jerome was in real bad shape when we got home. His whole body ached and his hands where swollen. But he did't complain, not even once.

My body hurt too. My shoulders and back were sore from holding Tommy for literally hours. Tommy was so good. I saw many young kids in line around us that were crying and throwing temper tantrums, but Tommy was extremely well behaved. He played most of the time and wanted me to hold him a lot, especially when he got tired. Some of the people in line scared him. He loved petting all of the dogs that were there.

He made me laugh with his comments on the other children's behavior. He just turned 3-years-old, so it seems odd that he would be able to make the observations that he does about people. One kid was crying about having to sit in a stroller. Tommy watched the boy for a few minutes and then said to me, "That boy is sad." Then he gave the boy a rubber ball that he had found in the parking lot. He said to the boy, "Don't cry. You're okay. See me? I'm not sad."

Another couple of children in the line were fighting and hitting each other. He watched them for at least half an hour. I noticed him watching the fighting kids and I was hoping that he wouldn't think that kind of behavior was acceptable. I shouldn't have worried. He turned to me and declared, "Those kids are naughty. Hitting's not nice. It hurts." He is so observant for his age.

Jerome passed his first interview and was sent home after the second. The judge told us that they would call if there was good news. I won't be surprised if we never hear from them.

When we got home, Jerome was tired and in pain, but upbeat. He didn't complain. We talked about some of the people we saw and met in line. As much as we need the money, we both know that there were a lot of people in that line that deserve to get on the show more than us. I really hope that some of them make it. All in all, it was a good experience.

We received bad news when we got home. I checked the mail and there was a letter from the Social Security Administration. I opened it, and my instinct about the letter had been correct. They rejected Jerome's claim again. There was no medical evidence to support Jerome's claim that he can't work. I knew that was what they were going to say. It has been over a year since Jerome's accident and his doctors tell him the same thing every visit. He goes to doctor at least once a month and sometimes more. The doctors examine him, look at this Xrays or MRI's or whatever and say, "You should be better by now. I don't understand why you are still in so much pain. I'm going to prescribe you (fill in the blank) medication and let's see you back in a few weeks."

A few weeks will go by, Jerome symptoms get worse, and it's time for a re-run of the last 20 or so doctors visit. I keep telling the doctor that there is something else wrong with him, but they just want to look at his spine injury and blame all of his health problems on that. Jerome is fatigued all of the time, can't remember anything, unless I write it down for him, has severe pain and cramping in his leg muscles, back, and shoulders, his joints ache constantly, his hands get severely cramped from something as simple as holding an empty water bottle for half an hour, he sweats profusely at night and doesn't sleep well, he can't concentrate, he has diarreah 7-8 times a day every day, without fail, and the list of symptoms just keep going.

But the doctors just keep thinking that it is all related to his back surgery or they try to treat him for depression. He is now taking 5 different meds and none of them are working. It makes me feel so helpless to watch him rapidly turning from an energetic, healthy, intelligent young man (he is only 30) into an old man before his time. It really pains me.

All of that aside, I feel happy today. Despite not making the show, despite Jerome being rejected for Social Security again, and despite knowing that I have to go into work at 4am tomorrow, I truly feel good. It's a nice feeling. Maybe, it's because of the wonderful compliment that I got yesterday. It was probably one of the best compliments I have ever recieved. I'll write about it tomorrow. I already wrote more today than I had planned to write.