Unbalanced

Unbalanced is how I feel most of the time. Walking the tight wire with no safety nets.

I find it difficult to balance my time between work and family. As much as I love my family, I am very dedicated to my job. I have an internal tug-of-war going on between the two: career, family, career, family, career. Unfortunately, my career will win in the end, because it is what supports my family. Without it we would be bankrupt and hungry. It is difficult to support all 5 of us on less than $25K a year.

Bills are a constant battle that I can't win. Before Jerome became disabled, we were doing great. We both worked. We had built our dream home, owned beautiful furniture, a nice car, and savings for both our retirement and for the kids college. I had our budget planned so that all of our debt (except for the mortgage) would have been paid off in less than a year.

It all ended in less than a second. Jerome slipped on ice and that was the end of our happy story. The ruptured disc in his back crushed the nerve on his left side so severely that after his surgery, he was left with permanent nerve damage. We now have nothing except for never ending debt. And each other. We will always have each other. But, sometimes, I wonder if that is enough. When I am exhausted from working a 10-12 hour day and I come home to a cluttered house, dinner not even started, my beat-up car barely running, I can't help but feeling like throwing in the towel. Giving up. I can't win. I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

I try to stay balanced on life's tight wire, leaning this way and that. I used to worry about what might happen if I fall off. On day's like today, not only do I not care if I fall, but I almost hope for it.